"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Friday, July 16, 2010

An early ticket for the Poetry Bus

Hold your head up, I said Hold your head up. This week the Poetry Bus is being driven by the inspirational Argent, who has two types of tickets on sale - one for the carousers at the back of the bus who must compose a comedic poem; the other for those with their heads up against the windows looking mournfully out, who must write a poem on unrequited love.
As I don't do humour, I am afraid I must relate a sad sad tale of a love thwarted by genetics. Hankies at the ready...

Me darlin’ sportin’ Jenny

Her four bulbous noses above her green lips,
Her corpulent, flatulent shape,
Have been said to have launched a flotilla of ships
(Though only one trying to escape.)
I give her sly looks as I bring back my books
Oh Jenny, my lovely librarian!
But she’s a fine slug from the planet Ker-plugg!!
And I am a mere Vulcanarian.

Idly I daydream of marital bliss
Oh to squelch down the aisle with my Jenny!
Wondering which of her mouths I should kiss
(For naturally she has so many)
But seen through her eyes, I can only surmise
That I am a hirsute barbarian,
For she’s a fine slug from the planet Ker-plugg!!
And I am a mere Vulcanarian.

I’ve heard that one time, in the long distant past,
A couple were married out east.
But sadly the union didn’t quite last
Any longer than their wedding feast.
For we, as a race (as is well known in space)
Are renowned as being strict vegetarians,
While the diet of slugs from the planet Ker-plugg!!
Consists mainly of small Vulcanarians.

And so I just peep round the corner of fiction
And watch her put books on the shelves,
Unable to act on my base-less conviction
That we could be good for ourselves.
My love unrequited, my life has been blighted,
I curse Nature for being sectarian,
For she’s a fine slug from the planet Ker-plugg!!
And I am a mere Vulcanarian.


  1. Most moving. Beautiful and sad.

  2. I loved the refrain! It read like it could be sung :)

  3. Yes, I thought this could be sung. Brilliant!

  4. Have you been at the 'shrooms? Hilarious!


  5. What a sad tale - love it! I think you have managed to combine unrequited love AND comedy here - and the best sort of comedy, with a touch of pathos.

  6. Must also point out that the word verification was Skill - so even Google must think it is brilliant!!

  7. Yes, this isn't funny at ALL :) I wouldn't mind a song of it, but no video, if you don't mind. I don't think I really want to see the librarian in living color!

  8. still laughing, and so's my artist and poet friend George Asdell, who also stammers. you two should get together!
    I love it!

  9. Peter,
    this the same L'Escargot that won the Grand National?
    No, seriously, I can obviously see that it's not a racehorse. I even have to admit that I like snails but I couldn't eat more than a dozen, and preferably with loads of garlic.

  10. Splendiferous...
    Oh now i feel like a weakling on the bus...
    Jizz...I liked the flow of the poem so very much....

  11. Dear Peter: Slug-love is so smooth, slimy really! Seriously you dont eat them? Never? I have heard some leave a poisonous slime which may be like a Cajun Organism(replaced the other word with a calmer one here) drink from Louisana where slug-fests are the fete, y'all! My thoughts "Eyewy Ucky" Lingo of the Vulcan-slug marriage.

  12. Oh, gawd love it! This was my first ride of the morning and it was a doozy. Well done, good and faithful Vulcanarian. (I liked you peeking around the fiction.)
    Mine is here: Masochistic Rhythms

  13. Not funny at all. Not sure why I am laughing so much.

  14. So good, and that third verse! I never guessed where you were going. Also love the !!

  15. An excellent addition to a small but growing genre - the alien love poem! (I was reminded of John Cooper Clark).

  16. This is ADORABLE, Peter. Definitely a slug worth knowing.

  17. It is a true pity
    if you mean what you say
    that you simply do not do humor,
    not on stage, nor blog, nor on souvenier mug -
    (that could fetch far more than a penny).

    For in blog city,
    why, on this very day -
    This is a fact, I swear not a rumor -
    Funny poem, Ker-plugg tome, 'bout a library slug
    Is there in your name (her name's Jenny).

  18. Many thanks to all for the kind words but really we shouldn't revel in a love unrequited. Lydia, thanks to going to the trouble - that's actually very good!
    Alien love poetry, eh? That sounds like a good niche to get into!