"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Saturday, June 19, 2010

World Cup 2010 - Day 8

Germany 0 Serbia 1 (Group D)

He beats up defenders and leaves them for dead,
Chops off their legs and then rips off their head.
Apparently, even Gattuso has said
He’s afraid of Miroslav Klose.

His soul is as black as a raven in Hell,
The havoc he wreaks takes a long time to quell,
Gattuso becomes just a quivering shell
At the thoughts of Miroslav Klose.

The acts of sheer viloence make referees quake
As ribcages smash and then ankle bones break,
Gattuso has vowed he won’t make the mistake
Of messing with Miroslav Klose.

He goes through the game like a whirlwind on legs.
Of football’s society, he is the dregs.
Gattuso backs off like he’s walking on eggs,
All for fear of Miroslav Klose.

But at last comes a ref who is fearless and bold,
Cards at the ready and eyes icy cold.
Gattuso remarked he won’t grow to be old
For he’s sent off Miroslav Klose.

(Miroslav Klose – probably the Gary Lineker of German football – receiving two yellow cards in one match is akin to St. Therese of Lisieux committing two mortal sins in one afternoon.)

Slovenia 2 USA 2 (Group C)

The world agrees a keeper should be brave.
When called upon to act, he should stand tall
And risk a bloody nose to make the save.

He must not fear the clash of boot and ball,
Nor flinch when fearsome shots are thrown his way –
When called upon to act, he should stand tall.

Handanovic, to his team mates’ dismay,
Alas, was not constructed of such stuff
And flinched when Landon’s shot was thrown his way.

Whatever he was paid, ‘twas not enough,
Fearing where the stinging shot might smite,
Constructed, as he was, of timid stuff.

The shot crashed in the net to States’ delight,
The keeper ducking down behind the post,
Afraid of where the stinging shot might smite.

God bless this very human soul! A toast!
Hard proof a keeper isn’t always brave.
Unashamed, he ducked behind the post,
Not risking bloody nose to make the save.

Algeria 0 England 0 (Group C)

They thought he was the man to lead the fight,
To lead the England team into the light.
After many years so barren
That they suffered with McLaren,
They pocketed his contract with delight.
They hadn’t got the players ‘cos they’d sold their souls to Sky.
Young players couldn’t break through and nobody wondered why.
If we'd only sack the coach, it’ll turn out right.

They took the field as usual in white,
Determined to be calm and erudite.
They were going to show Algeria
That England were superior,
Carragher and Terry sitting tight.
But sadly the Algerians had not agreed the script.
True to form, the journalists and fickle fans all flipped.
If we'd only sack the coach, it’ll turn out right.

The bile carried on throughout the night,
Continuous catcalls with no respite.
The radio was buzzin’
With Mr Angrys by the dozen,
All blessed with the gift of second sight.
Draw a couple of matches and they’ll all come out to nail ya,
A point against Algeria is deemed a national failure.
If we'd only sack the coach, it’ll turn out right.


  1. 'Twas an excting day Peter, and here is the very best of it.
    I suspect you are in the wrong career. I'm not sure what the right one is, but this is the best World Cup coverage available.
    Love it!

  2. An epic marathon footballing poetry odyssey, keep going!
    The Klose one is class.

  3. Favourite line in the Klose: "Cards at the ready and eyes icy cold". No, I lie;it's this one:
    "Chops off their legs and then rips off their head." (It's very mythological sounding.)

    Did you invent, "Mr. Angry", cuz that was sooo good!

  4. Thanks Titus - I suspect I'm not destined to have any sort of career!
    TFE - Don't think I can really give up now!!
    Kat - no, I wouldn't be clever enough to invent Mr Angry. I think he was a character devised on an English radio station. Never heard him, but liked the name.