"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Monday, January 11, 2010

Letter to the Customer Service Manager of ACC Bank

Dear Mr. T, a thousand thanks
Both for your patience and the bank’s.
Your letter, which, as I remember,
Arrived the middle of December,
Still sits here in my letter rack.
The fact I haven’t written back
Has prompted now a second note
That says you’re disappointed (quote)
That sadly I have not seen fit
To take the time to answer it.

Oh Mr T, I am, of course
Quite sore afflicted with remorse
For not responding to your missal
With a swift and prompt epistle.
Normally, I’m on the ball
And wouldn’t snub your bank at all
But late December, curiously,
Was quite a busy time for me.
But, if you please, I’ll try somehow
To answer your sharp letter now.

So. It seems you’ve been advised
(And evidently quite surprised)
That when I opened my account
With not a very large amount,
Someone, who should have known better,
Failed to send the ID letter
To verify that I am he –
The person that I claim to be.
You say that it’s a point of law
You need this information for.

Eight years on, you’ve just found out
My whole persona is in doubt.
Eight years my cash is in your vault
But obviously it’s not your fault.
Now it appears I must supply
The documents to verify
That this is not a tax-fraud scam
And I am who I say I am.
I have two options, I’m informed,
How this small task can be performed.

The first, you say, is to “drop by”
To “any local branch” with my
Gas bill and my passport too
And letter from the Revenue.
Your only office, more’s the pity,
Is on the far side of the city
Which will involve a half-day’s trek
And leave me an exhausted wreck.
Pray tell, how much will you pay me
For my administration fee?

The other option is to send
The copies in, but must append
A note (or maybe several notes)
From a Commissioner of Oaths,
To say these documents aren’t forged.
Of course, for this to be disgorged
Will naturally incur a fee
That must, alas, be paid by me.
Again I ask, in pounds and pence,
How much you’ll pay in recompense?

I’m sure you’re wondering what the fuss is –
Surely it is but two buses?
A half a day or so, as such?
My time cannot be worth that much.
So yes, tomorrow, I’ll arrive
By 39 and 25
With passport and with gas bill too
And letter from the Revenue
And will withdraw the full amount
From this vexatious bank account.
Normally I'm very mild-mannered but banks just drive me mad. They charge you for every fecking thing, yet expect you to jump through hoops when they click their fingers.

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