"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Sunday, March 21, 2010

My Hatred Poem for TFE'S Poetry Bus

Occasioned by a boring 45 minutes queuing up in Blanchardstown Post Office to send a package to my brother before Christmas. For more bile and rancour, check these out.

Oh how I wish that I possessed
Your sense of laissez-faire,
That attitude of ‘sod the rest,’
That look of ‘do I care?’

The queue was half a mile long,
The mood was not that great,
A silent, disenchanted throng,
Like cattle at a gate.

Six hatches were not manned at all,
Just three were trying to cope.
The queue was moving at a crawl,
The damned, devoid of hope.

And then we saw ‘Position Closed’
Go up before your face.
‘Toilet break,’ we all supposed.
‘Go swiftly, with God’s grace.’

But no, you reached down to your bag
With most indecent speed,
And, taking out a gossip mag,
You then began to read.

You crunched an apple as you flicked
Right through that magazine
And, using your small finger, picked
Your nose till it was clean.

Meanwhile, evil mutt’rings grew
On our side of the fence
And violent thoughts were hurled at you
With blazing eyes intense.

But no, you carried on as if
You didn’t have a care,
Oblivious to the acrid whiff
Of anarchy in the air.

Every night, my prayers go flying,
Asking, if I may,
That I can come across you, dying,
After some affray.

And I’d produce a magazine
While you lie comatose,
And sit and read it, as I clean
The inside of my nose.


  1. Too funny and well done..but surely one must have mercy for the dying, and nothing more! We once had a fellow at the PO who'd just stop and do a little jig, twirl his long hair, and go back to work..not there any longer!

  2. I'm scared of post office queues, they shouldn't be entered into lightly,I've known people never return from them.
    Great bilious, bellicose, poem!

  3. Very funny! I particularly like the god's grace for the toilet visit!

  4. lol... fantastic!... it's the little things that really pee me off too!

  5. ah yes, people are just lovely....

  6. I have stood in lines like this. Your rhythm is impeccable. And I love your lack of mercy. This is my first tour on the Poetry Bus, and I am impressed. Thank you for stopping by my bit of vitriol.

  7. This is great fun and beautifully phrased - love those lines -
    and using your small finger, picked
    your nose till it was clean.

  8. The nose-picking was a bit hard to stomach, but the gist of the tale was one I could definitely relate to and your rhymes were spot on as usual.
    I liked the sense of vindication.

  9. Brilliant Brilliant, lovely rhymes and a great ending to it!

  10. Brilliant - I was in that queue along with all the rest!

  11. The nose picking gave it a particularly delicious twist! :P

  12. Ha! Seems like the nose-picking comes across more forcefully than sitting around watching someone dying! And I thought I was sick!
    Seriously though, many thanks for the kind comments!

  13. Oh yes, I've been in that queue too!
    I loved the tightness and rightness of the rhythm amd rhyme, and the the story was brilliantly told. And so, so spiteful.

  14. I can relate to this! I always seem to pick pension day.

  15. Loved it loved it loved it! The God's grace bit was a really pleasing flourish but the whole things hangs together so well and the rhyme and rhythm so unforced. Kudos!

  16. Is anything so satisfying as a really well done 'f*** off and die' poem/song/prose. Better if they're funny. I really enjoy your work.

  17. This is fun and funny with a great rhythm and rhyme! I love it!

  18. Hear! hear!
    Thank you so much for visiting the post office for us to collect this gem.