"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Judge Declan O'Brien


Some people say it’s nifty
To have reached the age of fifty
And think that it’s a cause for celebration.
They claim that it’s great fun
To have got halfway to a ton,
And you should be hopping ‘round with great elation.
But darling, it is clear
You don’t hold this birthday dear,
I caught you crying in your coffee cup.
And although your heart is aching
And your spirit’s close to breaking,
I hope these words will help to cheer you up...

You are old
Oh so old
Not much left of your life to unfold
People stand up when you get on the bus
You’d like to complain but you won’t make a fuss.
Yes, you’re old
Very old
In the senior club you’re enrolled
You’re leaning a bit like that tower in Pisa,
You empty the laundry bag into the freezer,
You’re starting to look just like Mother Teresa.
To put it succinkly,
You’re getting quite wrinkly,
For now you are distinkly

You are old
Pretty old
And your bladder cannot be controlled
You still think you’re able to go on adventures,
You’d bungee jump too but you might lose your dentures.
Yes you’re old
So damn old
Don’t be asking for whom the bell tolled
You hang round young people but can’t grasp the lingo
You like Eminem but you much prefer Ringo
Saturday night is the night for the bingo
Oh yes, I’m afraid you are
Somewhat decayed, you are
Not a young blade, you are

You are old
Fierce old
No longer a pert centrefold
He turns out the light when you do a striptease
Oh it’s sad when your breasts dangle all round your knees
Yes, you’re old
Desp’rate old
Throw a rug o’er your knees if you’re cold
At night in your dreams Johnny Depp keeps appearing,
He says you’re not hot but you’re very endearing
He’s asking you out but you’re too hard of hearing
Because you’re unshakably
Quite unmistakably

You are old
Just so old
Here’s an arm that you might like to hold
You go to the doctor and ask for a check-up
But he only has time to do from the neck up
Yes, you’re old
Extra old
Not much left of your tale to be told
You view your next birthday with great apprehension,
You only get out when collecting your pension
You cannot watch Countdown – it’s too full of tension
Because you are viably
Most undeniably

You are old
Decades old
And you’ve gone past that magic threshold
One week ago, you were happy and gay,
Now I’m afraid it’s downhill all the way
Cos you’re old,
Really old
You waltz where you once rock and rolled
You’re an early bird now but you can’t catch the worm
You’d like hanky-panky but you’re just too infirm,
Though frankly the thoughts of it just make you squirm,
You are oh, so intensively
Quite indefensibly,
So comprehensively

You are old
Eons old
Out of one hundred people straw polled
Five per cent said you had not aged too bad
The remainder, however, suggested you had.
Yes you’re old
Awful old
It’s a terrible sight to behold
The thoughts of a Sonny Knowles concert excites,
You sleep afternoons but you can’t sleep at nights
In the morning its murder to put on your tights,
You are rather disarmingly,
Somewhat alarmingly,
Nevertheless charmingly

You are old
Drop-dead old
Take a coach trip to Stow on the Wold
Sit next to a feller, he seems a nice chap,
He’s calling you Gran but you’re having a nap
You’re so old,
Are you now getting bothered by mould?
If you were a car’s M.O.T. you would fail,
If you were a biscuit, you’d long have gone stale,
If you were a doughnut, they’d take you off sale,
Oh don’t take it badly,
We all love you madly
But the fact is that sadly
You’re old.


  1. Lol - this is brilliant. Love it.

  2. Thanks David. I managed to insult a good proportion of the audience!

  3. Better laughing than crying!! Touché...nice one Peter.