"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Friday, October 29, 2010

The most terrifying Hallowe'en Poem ever

(Actually I'm sure I posted this up last year but I can't find it anywhere)

Bah, Humbug!
(Part of my anti-Hallowe’en Campaign)

On a dreary Hallowe’en morning,
As the damp, dank day was dawning,
I drove to the Shopping Centre
Lying off St. Stephen’s Green.
Into Dunnes, I stalked, unblinking,
Past the pumpkins, soft and stinking,
All the while morosely thinking,
“God, how I hate Hallowe’en!”

On this day before All Hallows,
I strode past the mounds of mallows,
Past the toffee apples shining
With a most unwholesome sheen,
Past the packs of fizzy colas,
Daubed with witches, to cajole us,
Guaranteed to rot the molars
Of our kids at Hallowe’en.

Though my eyes could not resist a
Glance at this disgusting vista,
Still I pushed on, till the object
Of my visit could be seen.
There, piled high, untouched, exciting,
Underneath the neon lighting,
Sat the broccoli, so inviting
On this morn of Hallowe’en.

“Just the job!” I shouted gaily,
Dancing high, as at a ceilidh,
While some disconcerted shoppers
Hurried quickly from the scene.
With heart no longer melancholy,
But wild, excited, happy, jolly,
I dumped the whole lot in my trolley.
What a treat for Hallowe’en!

Back home, on the kitchen table,
I took my knife, so sharp and able,
And cut the heads down into florets,
Thousands of them, fresh and green.
By the front door, it sits waiting,
This broccoli, invigorating,
Perfume strong and enervating,
For the kids at Hallowe’en.

Every year they’re knock-knock-knocking,
With a constancy quite shocking,
Demanding that I fill their bags with
Acid drop and jelly bean.
“Trick or treat!” they yell in greeting,
Underneath their plastic sheeting,
Yep, I’ll give them trick or treating,
On this night of Hallowe’en.

When their bags are opened cockily,
Into them I’ll dump my broccoli,
Extolling all its healthy virtues –
How it makes you strong and lean.
Certainly they’ll find it galling,
Some might even say appalling,
When the little dears come calling
On my door this Hallowe’en.

Forget your monsters, big and hairy,
Vampires dribbling blood so scary.
One thing’s bound to chill the blood of
Children sev’n to seventeen.
Brave broccoli! So green and gleaming
On a hot plate, fresh and steaming,
Guaranteed to send them screaming
From your door this Hallowe’en.


  1. Have you seriously done this? I wouldn't put it past you!!

  2. Hi Niamh, Sadly no. I'm all mouth and no trousers

  3. Brilliant! Particularly love the 'resist a/vista' rhyme!

  4. Foxo beat me to my favourite line, but yes broccoli is to little monsters what garlic is to vampires!
    Sounds like a plan Mr Goulding! Mwahahahahahaha!

  5. Not me! I would have grabbed them all and swept them in my bag. I love the stuff and always have. (I was a weird kid.)

    I loved the "cockily/broccoli" rhyme. Ony you could dream this one up, Peter.


  6. LOL yes indded that is a trick! A green veggie would make any kid scream in horror!

  7. This IS horrifying! I couldn't abide broccoli until I was an adult & even now I have to pinch my nose because it smells so.

  8. Peter, I love you today. I don't know where you live exactly but may I visit you Halloween night? My home is invaded by greedy ghouls and I despise filling pillowcases held out for candy and the way the kiddies look closely at what they are getting as if in judgment. Your poem touches my heart.

  9. Thanks to all. Just realised we have nothing in for tonight, so maybe have to go with the poem, though my wife is too soft-hearted...
    Kat, if proof were needed, your comment says it all!
    Chris, sadly, its a long way to be popping around from California!

  10. Once, years ago, we gave out apples as treats, rather than sweets but this year I caved and went with the flow. Mind you - only had two sets of callers this year so plenty left for meeeee! Brilliant pome altogether!

  11. Oh, I thought Dave King had the prize, but it's a hard fight with this in the ring! I think Edgar would love it, too!

  12. Bah! I wanted resist a/vista too!
    Over here always apples, tangerines and monkey nuts. Nearly 5 a day, really.

  13. Dear Peter: “Just the job!” I shouted gaily,
    Dancing high, as at a ceilidh,
    somethings making you dance and I'm sure it's the gas from brocolli...what a kicker! Love this poem and I'm learnin' me ancient celtic culture at the same time! Thank-you dear sprite Peter of the unHallow'd nite. Yes Brocolli is evil!