The task is to write a poem that can be read out at a wedding. It must not mention God, whoever he is, and must not be too tacky or sentimental. Well, I'll try...
Advice for the newly married couple
Go on hikes together,
Do quad bikes together,
Watch sunsets in Ballaghadreen.
Pick flowers together
Take showers together
(The best way to get your breasts clean)
Go out shopping together,
Far away from the maddening crowd.
Pick a sundress together,
Maybe undress together,
Taking care not to snigger out loud.
Squeeze a blister together,
Play at Twister together,
See the latest from Oliver Stone.
Go out dancing together,
Go romancing together
(So much better than romancing alone)
Make a jelly together,
Watch the telly together,
Count up all of your blessings accrued.
Feed the fauna together,
Have a sauna together,
Then jump in the lake in the nude.
Visit mother together,
Watch Big Brother together,
One can wash while the other one dries,
Sip Darjeeling together,
Paint the ceiling together,
Gaze deep into each other’s eyes.
But for two to be one,
There’s one thing to be done,
So prepare – get your cheekbones well supple
It’s a true measure whether
You can both fart together
To determine if you’re a true couple.
Just a postscript, lest one might think I am merely being juvenile. We all share intimacies with our partners but how many of us are comfortable enough in our relationship to break wind with them?