"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The marital poetry bus

Okeydoke. The task for this week's poetry bus has been set by Don't Feed the Pixies who has been mysteriously zapped from cyberspace. Luckily, the bould Argent came riding up on white steed and saved the day.
The task is to write a poem that can be read out at a wedding. It must not mention God, whoever he is, and must not be too tacky or sentimental. Well, I'll try...

Advice for the newly married couple

Go on hikes together,
Do quad bikes together,
Watch sunsets in Ballaghadreen.
Pick flowers together
Take showers together
(The best way to get your breasts clean)
Go out shopping together,
Island-hopping together,
Far away from the maddening crowd.
Pick a sundress together,
Maybe undress together,
Taking care not to snigger out loud.
Squeeze a blister together,
Play at Twister together,
See the latest from Oliver Stone.
Go out dancing together,
Go romancing together
(So much better than romancing alone)
Make a jelly together,
Watch the telly together,
Count up all of your blessings accrued.
Feed the fauna together,
Have a sauna together,
Then jump in the lake in the nude.
Visit mother together,
Watch Big Brother together,
One can wash while the other one dries,
Sip Darjeeling together,
Paint the ceiling together,
Gaze deep into each other’s eyes.

But for two to be one,
There’s one thing to be done,
So prepare – get your cheekbones well supple
It’s a true measure whether
You can both fart together
To determine if you’re a true couple.

Just a postscript, lest one might think I am merely being juvenile. We all share intimacies with our partners but how many of us are comfortable enough in our relationship to break wind with them?


  1. I'm going to have to give this one a little thought ... I think I've managed more than a few on your (really good) list!

  2. This would get some great laughs at a wedding do! In fact we have some friends getting married next year...I might send it to them!
    Some lovely details...though I'm not sure about the Big Brother...

  3. Triffic rhyming there Peter, and I love all the different activities. After 31 years of marriage, I'd say we're comfortable enough to do the last one as well.

  4. very good. I'll bookmark it for my next wedding

  5. Well, I loved it...and the ending absolutely cracked me up! I wish I could write a poem like this!

  6. LOL - yes all sorts of bodily functions are fair game to long married folks - & in fact we hardly notice them anymore :)

  7. Great poem, and I love the ending.
    I did have a rule with my ex: no farting in the bedroom. Really, he could make the air unbreathable - how was I to know this would do us in?