"Seven bums and fourteen legs,
a brazen ecstasy which begs
the question some of us are asking -
is Peter Goulding multi-tasking?"

Martin Parker, Editor, Lighten Up Online

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Ticket for this weeks poetry bus

Okay, this week's poetry bus is driven by the supremely talented Barbara who, in return for a ticket, is demanding a poem beginning with the line "I got down on my knees and smelled the new linoleum..."
As I missed last week's journey due to a four day break (sorry Phadraig!!) and as Barbara's offspring are currently occupying the 27 seats down the back, I'd better get in early to guarantee a place.
I am afraid that I have bent the rules ever so slightly, adding (as it happens) the word 'bended' to the line given, instant disqualification in some circumstances, but much more serious transgressions have been ignored in World Cup qualifiers (still bitter), so I prostrate myself at Barbara's feet and beg for leniency.


I got down on my bended knees and smelled the new linoleum,
Matches poised adroitly o’er the jamjar of petroleum.
Upon the wall, a classic view of ancient Herculaneum,
Chalk-white pillars decked with both nasturtium and geranium.
Through the yawning doorway, I could see his new solarium;
The carp conferring vacantly inside his large aquarium;
The picture of him posing in the pulpit on the podium
(A self-indulgent photograph I always viewed with odium –
Why would one want a photo at a death-dull moratorium
Of oneself droning drily to a half-full auditorium?);
The brochures on his desk for his Miami condominium,
Gloomy in the shadow of the shrivelling delphinium;
A snapshot of the WAGs night out (to use a mundane idiom);
The cabinet of drinks no doubt frequented post meridiem;
The silent clock beside the door, hands studded with zirconium,
Colours clashing brusquely in artistic pandemonium;
His speech to his shareholders in a vain attempt to rally ‘em;
The dead canary in its cage beside the jar of valium;
The worsted patterned carpet, pile once lush and thick, now medium;
The works of Milton, unabridged, to ward off any tedium...

From upstairs came a moaning caused by sexual delirium,
Rising to crescendo from the husband-snatching Miriam.
I got up off my knees and said a decade in memoriam,
And then I turned his house into a raging crematorium.


  1. Good Luck on Monday evening. I may even be there.

  2. My favourite couplet..delphinium/mundane idiom. You am de master 'o' de rhyme!

  3. Thanks Michael - it'd be great to see you
    TFE - errrmmm, those two are from different couplets!! But thanks anyway!

  4. Wow! That was quite a tour de force!

    It goes really well to the tune of The Major General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance.

  5. I knew that ,I was just testing. I think.

  6. LOLOLOLOLOL!!! God, you're good! I'm partial to the final two. Oh, and the vacantly conferring carp is a riot! (But I exclaim too much, as usual.)


  7. This has a real "Modern Major General" ring to it, by the way.

  8. Knockout! I could see the end coming but you delivered it so adroitly! From me there's definitely no oprobrium.

  9. The dead canary beside the valium sticks out for me, what a piece of work!

  10. Fantastic! That is keen and darkly, darkly funny. Nice one.

  11. hey! I found you!! OK so how many blogs do you actually need???? Seriously anyone who lists their favourite film as Rocky Horror, likes The Clash and John Otway and has their photo taken outside of Father Ted's house is ok in my book - even if they DO write poems about committing arson against a former partner!

    Excellent poem

  12. Thanks Bill - MMG was actually in my head if I was writing it!
    Hi Kat - from yourself, praise indeed!!!!!!!
    Argent - I was trying to think of an -ium word for the title but couldn't. Opprobrium!
    Rachel - many thanks
    Niamh - yes, I like dead canaries too!
    Phadraig - you are too kind, monsieur
    DFTP - Many thanks - arson is much more fun than litigation, isn't it?

  13. What a compendium of words . . .um . . ending in . . ium!
    Brilliant stuff - how exactly do you contain so many words in your head? Or is there a secret computer programme that throws up words ending in ium on request?

  14. Wow, Peter. You had me in the palm of your hand. I liked canaries on valium, but I liked the whole dam thing too. Wonderful. Funny. Revenge is sweet.

  15. Loved it! Surreal, yet perfect sense with every line, and yeah, the ending was great. I liked the carp and the works of Milton best, but it was just one great big, entertaining, joy.

  16. PF - it actually took a lot of time writing down every ium word I could think of. Some like compendium I couldn't get a rhyme for, others like stadium / radium / palladium I couldn't fit in!!
    Thanks Enchanted Oak and Titus - I'm glad the fun I had writing it translated to the reader in some small way

  17. This is soooo funny, but as I read and laugh, I also shake my head in admiration. You make every line fit perfectly and make perfect sense. Fun, fun, fun!

  18. LOL!.. I tried to do a similar thing.. but wasn't clever enough on vocab, so did a diferent thing .. excellent!.. and it also fits well with that song from some musical that I can't remember, but is sung in burly male tones (possibly something about policemen?).. anyway!
    feckin excellent poem!

  19. Clever! I now dub you Peter, The Rhyme King!
    P.S. Why do folks place petroleum 'in a jar?'